I usually try and wait until I have a well-rounded single topic that I can write a blog post on, hence why the blog post are far and few between these days. I'm a little busy. But I got to thinking, my life is kinda all over the place so wouldn't it make sense for my blogs to be all over the place too?
So try and keep up.
In my last post I mentioned how I had decided to wean off my anxiety medicine. Well I'm here to report that it was a total flop. About a week after that post I had the most severe panic attack I've ever had. It came out of no-where and as much as I knew the reaction I was having was ridiculous, I couldn't stop it. It was very clear that I'm not ready. I absolutely have the goal of getting off of it and I will but right now I'm in no rush. The wounds are still very raw, the emotions still very fresh so it's just not the time yet.
Yesterday started 40 Days of Prayer at my church and the service was focused on the practice of prayer. The pastor talked about how your prayers should be persistent and it dawned on me when a friend asked for specific prayer request that I had given up on praying for a lot of different things.
One of those abandoned prayers was to get to a place of forgiveness.
I had given up on a lot of prayers because the progress wasn't there, the answer wasn't found or the prayer hadn't been answered. Essentially I had given up on God and my heart was getting hardened as a byproduct of that.
I stopped believing they deserve forgiveness. All I wanted was to see them be taken down so they could finally have to pay for their actions.
Am I fully past this? No.
Do I want to be past this? Yes and I will, in time so my prayers need to continue.
I'm learning that harboring resentment is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.
Side note:
The idea of forgiveness truly baffles me though. It sounds like a great idea until you actually have to practice it.
How do you forgive but yet not excuse the behaviors?
How do you forgive when negative behavior continues to happen?
I have zero answers to these questions but when I get there, I'll let you know.
Back to my original thought:
I was treating prayer as a transactional request. I was expecting God to answer my prayers on my timeline. "Ask and you shall receive," I was taking that quite literally, treating God like He was a genie in a bottle and getting mad when He didn't meet my expectations.
First, who do I think I am to demand anything from Him?
Second, why do I trust my timing over His?
Needless to say I am working on reshaping my prayer life to be persistent and expectant knowing that our Father is a good Father who wants to fulfill the deepest desire of our hearts all while trusting His timing.
As a single mom you take on a whole new level of independence. I've always felt like I was pretty independent, some might say it can be a toxic trait of mine. But immediately following the separation it's like I forgot how independent I was. I was terrified to be alone with the kids. I thought there is absolutely no way I can do this on my own.
It's funny now but I can remember standing in my mom's pantry sobbing and looking at her and saying, "I don't even know how to hang a picture on the wall."
I think back to that scared version of myself and it makes me really sad for her that I didn't already see the strength I had in myself. People would say to me, "you're one of the strongest people I know," but yet inside I felt like the absolute weakest person.
Well I stepped up to the plate because I had 2 little ones depending on me, I didn't have a choice. My mom kept saying "those 2 kids are where you're going to draw your strength from." I thought she was crazy because 2 little kids can be draining, IYKYK but gah she was right. Every day they were why I had to get up and get out of bed. They're the reason I would smile. They're the reason I would have hope for the future. They continue to be the reason I keep finding a strength I didn't know I had.
Lately I've felt the need/desire to tap into that independence even more.
Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Getting comfortable with a silent house when the kids are with their dad.
Getting comfortable doing the "manly" stuff on my own. (I just bought a drill today and I'll be attempting to put together some furniture without asking my dad or brother in law for help...TBD on how that goes...)
I think for a while I had the tendency to sulk in moments where I was "having" to be more independent than I wanted to be. Now it kinda feels like a challenge. What else can I do that I thought I couldn't?
I always tell Brooks (eventually I'll tell Tate too) "we can do hard things, we can do anything," well I'm practicing what I'm preaching.
I'm really not saying all this to toot my own horn, honestly I'm just dang proud of myself. I still have moments where I'm incredibly overwhelmed, I'm incredibly sad and disappointed but for the most part I'm freaking proud of myself.
Over the last 2 months I've experienced some big events. Some good and some bad. I had to go 8 nights without my kids for the first time ever (you can probably guess this when the severe panic attack happened), I celebrated my daughter's first birthday and I updated Brooks' room into a big boy room.
Celebrating Tate's birthday was so bittersweet.
There of course was shock that she's 1 already.
Sad and disappointed that I'm celebrating her birthday alone (meaning without her dad), family and friends of course came together to celebrate her.
Proud that I was able to give my girl a great 1st birthday party on my own.
Regardless that girl is pure joy and it's impossible to feel down around her. God gave me her knowing her and her brother would be exactly what I needed to get through this year.
My Brooks is no longer a baby?!
He has a big boy room and I was stupid giddy about it.
It was a little sad that this is was a moment that mom/dad should be doing together but it was hard to take away from my excitement to give him something I knew he would LOVE.
Life is pretty wild right now. Lots of ups and downs. Days where I suppress and days where I feel it all. I am recalibrating myself and especially over these next 40 Days of Prayer, I'm leaning into Him. I'm focusing on me and my happiness and not waiting for the next season to find the joy and happiness that is already in my life.
^^ I think I just found my next blog topic. Stay tuned.
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