Down to the nitty-gritty

So how did I get here? Let me paint the picture.

Young Emily has the perfect plan for her life. She's to go to college, meet the husband, get the job, get married, get the house, have babies...if you know me, you know my life went exactly as planned. It was like I was the puppeteer just pulling the strings. I thought I had it all figured out. I was in control, what could go wrong? Whew, was I naive.

My world turned upside down in what felt like a blink of an eye. The "perfect" family I had was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to save it. Trust me, I tried like hell. Sure we had our marital issues, we're human but I always chalked it up to, "it's just the season of life we're in, we'll get our groove back soon." I never thought we'd end up here.

Over the course of a few months I went from being on cloud nine welcoming our new baby girl home to wondering how in the world I was going to do this alone.

The story started to unravel and honestly part of me wanted to just bottle it back up and act like it wasn't there but I was being forced to face it head on. At first I was met with a lot of confusion, then it turned to fear and uncertainty, then it all came out. That's when I hit what I thought was rock bottom...again, naive.

So what do I do? Jump into fight or flight mode. For weeks I stayed in that mode. Waking up every.single.day wondering if this is the day he's gonna change his mind and leave.

Well December 1st was that day he made his mind up but November 30th was the day I decided I was done convincing him to stay.

Hello true rock bottom or maybe hello breakthrough?

The days and weeks following were some of the darkest days I have experienced thus far. Anger, sadness, hatred, shock, so many negative emotions were felt. I grieved for the future that I had dreamt of, I grieved the family unit for my kids, I grieved the death of someone that was still physically here on Earth but no longer someone I knew. I say this all in past tense like it's something I don't still grieve on a daily basis. I absolutely do but that grief now comes with a different perspective then it did at first.

That first night I cried and cried asking God how I'm supposed to trust Him with my life but yet He didn't protect me from the very thing that destroyed my life. Wanna know the answer I was met with?

He did protect me.

He forcefully removed me from a situation where my future wasn't going to be met with happiness and meaningful purpose because He knew I would have never walked away myself.

He knew I needed to hit "rock bottom" to realize that in actuality I have zero control over my life and I had no choice but to trust Him.

He knew it was going to take a tragic situation for me to throw my hands up and say "I need you. I'm not strong enough for this one."

Let me make something clear though. God did not orchestrate this pain. God takes what He allows and uses it for what He intended.

What He intends for me, I am just starting to scratch that surface.

Maybe you're walking through a similar situation or maybe it's totally different but you get that feeling of pain and desperation for God to change your circumstances. If that's you, you are not alone. Let me repeat that. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You're not the only one who gets on social media and feels like everyone is living this amazing life while you're crumbling. You're not the only one who has been terrified to lay their head down at night because you're going to be alone with your thoughts. You're not the only one who has woken up in the morning just to remember that it's not all a nightmare, it's actually your life. So many people are suffering through their own stories, we just don't all like to talk about it. But when we all keep silent in our struggles, that's what makes us all feel alone.

So here I am, exposing myself for everyone to see. The good, the bad and the really ugly.

I have so much that I can't wait to share with you.