Get your mind right

I didn't truly have a need for God.

This was the pretense I was living in and I didn't even realize.

I grew up in a Christian home, going to church, VBS, youth group, church camp. I did all the things. I had every intention of raising my kids to know and love Jesus too. But how was I supposed to really teach my kids that when I was living like I didn't need Him?

I would pray daily, thank Him for all my blessings, look to him for protection etc. but I'm learning now that I treated Him as if He were a vending machine. Input need, item received. My need for God was selfish. He was my Savior, not Lord of my life.

I thanked Him for his presents but not his presence.

I vividly remember hearing many sermons at church over the recent years about being in full submission to God. I would audibly admit, "I'm just not ready for that, I don't know how to do that." I didn't want to open my hands and give him full control because I will shamefully admit, I thought my control was better. Little did I realize, I had no control. We have no control.

But something I didn't understand was if I relinquished that control over to Him, it would open me up to freedom and the capacity to do things I cannot do myself.

I can’t put my family back together.

I couldn't control their actions.

I can’t heal my heart.

I can’t get to a place where I can forgive them.

But I can through Him.

No matter what your story is I don't think it's until you have to sit in the tension, sit in the uncomfortable situation, sit in that wait that you experience your true need for God. Because if you're sitting in those places without God, there is no hope, there is no happiness, there is no light at the end of that tunnel.

But when you're in those moments with God, you may suffer but you suffer with hope, you suffer with knowing that your Maker has promised you goodness in your life. He's promised you that He will fulfill your deepest desires.

The piece that we often miss is that our desires, our wants and our needs, may not line up with His will. That's something I'm having to figure out and accept.

Remember when I said "God uses what he allows for what he intends?"

Nothing gets in the way of God's purpose.

I'm learning how to let go and stop planning everything to a tee and honestly relax knowing that the God that has walked all the days before me, He's got me.

There is so much peace in that but of course there is so much fear in that, we're human. We all want to know what the future holds. But if that were the case, we'd be walking by sight, not by faith. That's not what God has asked us to do.

I could sit here in fear wondering:

Will my kids see me as a failure?

Will they resent me for not being able to fix us?

Will I get to watch my daughter have that special daddy/daughter bond that I was so excited about?

Will everything trigger me so deeply forever?

I mean I could go on and on.

But I'm learning to just stop that cycle. It's okay to not know right now because He knows. He takes that fear out of the unknown if we let Him. I remind myself of Matthew 6:34 on a daily basis, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

This helps me breathe.

Let's stop treating God like He's there to fulfill our expectations. He owes us nothing. I feel like I was late to the party on this one. Why it took me 30 years and tragedy to begin understanding this, I'll never know but learn from me. If you haven't faced a storm or aren't in a storm, get ready because it's coming.

Get your mind right.