Raw & Exposed

**If you're my MawMaw, I'm going to warn you that your nerves probably can't take all this so you should probably not read this.** Mom/Dad/Erin, this is no news to you, sorry you have to live it with me.

It dawned on me that from an outsider's perspective it could look like I have this whole thing figured out despite the hard season I'm facing. When I started this blog I set out to be super honest and raw to help others not feel alone in their struggles. Not that I haven't been raw and honest but I don't really think I've given much insight into the "dark," because I seek to be a source of hope and positivity.

But sometimes, things are just dark and I believe that's okay too. It's a season of highs and lows and I want to acknowledge the lows as much as I do the highs. It's all part of the journey.

I also want to make it known even though it probably goes without saying that these are not the only hard/troubling days, these are just the ones that stick out right now. They're the days I'll probably never forget.

So here is the raw, exposed me. Judgment is not allowed here.

March 7th, we'd been separated for 3 months and I got a phone call from my ex-husband. I take it thinking the conversation is regarding the kids but it's actually a request to not speak bad about her "because our marriage was long over before her."

Well that was news to me considering our daughter (who was planned and heavily desired) was 7 months old at the time of this call.

That remark rattled me to my core. I tried to shake it. I cried, pulled it together then when I went to get Tatum up from her nap, I lost it. I held that baby girl so tight and felt so guilty that this is the world that I brought her into, especially if "our marriage had been long over."

I knew rationally in my mind that the remark was just to justify the actions but it still cut like a knife. I thank God all the time that I didn't see the writing on the wall because I believe she's truly here by the grace of God.

My parents had been made aware of that day's event so when they got the text saying "I need someone to come tonight, I can't do this," they delegated efforts, got off work and came to my rescue. My parents have been a lifeline throughout this whole journey.

March 25th, we'd been separated for 3.5 months. I find out through Brooks as I'm getting him out of my ex-husbands truck that they had officially met her and her daughter and it happened a month ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The disrespect of how I found out, the concern over the major life altering adjustments that Brooks was having to experience and then this layered on top. How was a 3 year old supposed to not be affected by all this change happening so quickly?

I walked back inside the house and thank goodness our nanny was there because I felt like I couldn't breathe. I closed myself in my bedroom and I just remember pacing around begging God to kill me because there was no way I was going to survive this. There was no escape from this hell, the only way to escape it was to die and that honestly felt like the best option in the moment. That's so hard to admit but that's the raw truth. I wanted a way out and I just wanted God to take me out.

That level of darkness in my mind scared me. I called two of my neighbors and asked them to come sit with me. I needed a friend's companionship and I needed it fast. I needed someone to hear and validate my pain. I needed someone to just sit with me in the hurt and let me cry and I am so grateful for those two souls. No questions asked, they dropped everything and came running. They sat with me for hours and just their presence brought me back down to reality where I could think rationally again.

At this moment I wasn't able to pull myself out of the dark with the anchor bible verses, the worship songs, etc. I remember actually feeling like I didn't want to turn to God. I was so angry that He was letting this happen to me when I didn't ask for it. I couldn't think straight and I honestly didn't have the energy to keep fighting. Now I look back and see that God could see that. He saw that I didn't have the strength so He gave me the thought that I needed my support people and I needed them fast. He used them to breathe life into me. He used them to console me. He used them to remind me that I have so many people rallying behind me that I don't always have to have it together.

April 6th, we'd been separated for 4 months. This was probably the darkest of dark days for me. My son had his 2nd soccer game. My mom comes with me because she has this gut feeling that she will be there and she doesn't want me to be alone. Well what do ya know, mom was right.

Not only do I have to be around her, as I walk up to the field, I see her holding my 8 month old daughter. On top of that, I had a conversation with an unnamed person and had to hear incredibly hurtful things about it all. I don't feel comfortable sharing the details of that conversation because I do like to believe the intent was not malicious but it left me feeling shocked by what I just was a part of.

I came back home and spent the day working in the yard with my mom and stepdad. I had recovered from the initial hurt and I was staying distracted.

My mom and stepdad left to go home and I was planning to follow behind. Once I was inside and alone, my emotions hit me HARD.

I laid on the floor in my bedroom and wailed to God, I mean WAILED. Asking what I did to deserve this? How I kept getting beat down over and over and over. When was it going to stop? How was He allowing this to happen? I went back to the thought of God killing me and I even went as far to somewhat believing my kids would be okay without me....

THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHERE I KNEW I WAS NOT OKAY.

I was allowing myself to believe that my kids would be better off without me because clearly I was this awful person who brought this on myself and "everyone else" was clearly able to just go on about life like nothing happened so who cares about me?

THANK YOU GOD THAT HE GAVE ME EYES TO SEE THAT I NEEDED MY FAMILY.

I packed my bags and headed for my moms. I told her I needed to meet with her pastor, I reached out to Robin Riggins and Gwen Jarrett, I needed prayer warriors to rally together to lift me back up because I was DARK.

I honestly don't know what pulled me out of that headspace but I can say since that night, I've never gone back into that dark place. I'm honestly ashamed that I was ever there but the enemy had me and his reigns were tight.

I can see how wrong I was and I saw that the very same night. I could see how I had/have SO much to live for and really what makes me stand real freaking tall is the mindset of how could I ever let someone who cares so very little about me have so much power over me? Not gonna happen. I'm better than that.

Fast forward to July 10th, we're 7 months separated. I'm in Newton having a girls getaway while the kids are at the beach with their dad. This would be the longest I'd ever been without the kids, 8 nights, so we planned fun distractions. The kids left on Sunday and it was Wednesday. I asked if I could FaceTime the kids, a few hours go by with no response so I start to feel pretty anxious wondering if I'll be dismissed. I get the green light to call so I FaceTime them. I see my family sitting around the dinner table on a trip that I've taken for almost the last decade of my life. I hear my ex-MIL in the background, her and her daughter in the background and once I hang up the phone it's an intense rush of emotions. It's like I was looking at my family from the outside in and I had just been so easily replaced.

Panic Attack, SEVERE panic attack.

I immediately felt my stomach turn and I couldn't breathe. I tried to rationalize in my head and tried to make sense of why I was having that reaction but I couldn't.

I started throwing up and I threw up for hours.

I called my support group leader, my friends were trying to talk me down, my mom was trying to talk me down, nothing was working.

I had to leave and I had to get back to Raleigh. An incredible human drove practically 4 hours round trip to come and rescue me.

I slept it off and woke up the next day feeling like I had been hit by a train. My insides felt pretty numb but my body felt beat.

I went to my support group that night and by the grace of God it was just me and the support group leader and we were able to talk the whole hour to try to unpack what happened. But the thing about a panic attack is there is no warning, no real rationalization, you just go into fight or flight.

*This is where I decided coming off my anxiety medicine was not something I was ready for yet, if you can recall me briefly talking about this in a previous post.

September, I'm not sure of the actual date but we've been separated for 9 months at this point. I found myself sitting outside in the driveway while I was letting my dog use the bathroom. I unexpectedly got hit with a memory of a night where my ex-husband, Drake and I were all laying in the driveway. My head was lying on his chest and Drake was laying on the other side and we were just looking up at the sky. I remember feeling in the moment this is a moment I never want to forget. I even tried to get a picture of it so I could remember it. Well I didn't get the picture and it turns out it's a memory I probably should forget.

As the memory of those feelings came flooding back, I started crying in my driveway and I found myself saying "I just want my husband back." Over and over, that's all I could say. As the words were coming out I remember thinking in my head how ashamed of myself I was for even allowing myself to utter those words after everything he's done to me, but I chose to follow the guidance of my therapist. I gave myself grace and allowed myself to feel those emotions. So I cried and longed for my husband to come back and us get back to the place where we were that night laying in the driveway.

After I gave myself some time, I pulled it together, went inside and started to reflect and unpack what I was really feeling because there's no way I could possibly mean what I had just said, right?

I came to the conclusion that what I was actually longing for was a reality where none of this existed. A reality where we went back in time to the days where we were giddy in-love and my world felt safe and secure and my future held endless possibilities.

That reality doesn't exist.

There isn't a reality where I am not completely betrayed by someone I trusted to always protect and love me.

So I allowed myself to feel the sadness of having to accept that my reality would forever consist of a pain that will forever leave a scar.

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Unfortunately, I don't think my dark days are fully behind me. I'm hoping instead of "dark days" they turn into "dark hours" and then "dark minutes." But this season has not been absent of them. My whole purpose in exposing myself is actually to bring light to them. I want it to be known that you're not alone in your dark days if you're experiencing them and that we always survive our dark days when we lift our heads up. God uses the spirit living within us, the people around us, the messages that we consume, etc. to talk to us and He lifts us out every.single.time.

Keep pushing forward.