What did I really lose?

I lost my husband.

I lost my security.

I lost my comfort.

I lost my dreams.

But I gained Jesus.

On December 2, 2023, one day after my husband walked out the door, I decided it was finally time to surrender my life to God. I couldn't survive this one on my own, I couldn't bear the pain of this one on my own and I surely couldn't fix it.

I was at the end of my rope but that's where grace found me.

I wrote in a previous blog post that prior to this life event, I never really found myself in a situation where I felt I "needed" God. I had my life under control, or so I thought. Thankfully my parents had laid the crucial foundation for my sister and I to know and love God but shamefully it took God bringing me to my knees for me to open my hands and say, "I'm yours."

I can vividly recall sitting in church a few years ago and the sermon raised the hard hitting question, "is God actually Lord of your life?" In the closing the pastor asked us to open our hands and imagine that full surrender of giving it to God if you hadn't yet. I remember looking at my ex-husband and saying something along the lines of "I don't know how to do that yet."

I was too scared to let go of the control I thought I had to a God who is the author of my story.

I feel absolutely ridiculous writing that now because that right there implies that I thought I knew better than God.

Well I can proudly say I've come a long ways since then and even though it took life devastation to get me here, I'm here.

Do I live out in faith every day with zero fear/anxiety? Nope.

Do I have to check myself constantly because I can feel my natural controlling nature taking over? Yep.

But the difference now is I can recognize when I'm slipping. I can see the change in perspective when I spend time in prayer, I can feel the difference in my heart when I dig in and I can tell the difference in my mental health when I focus on His truths.

I remember the Wednesday after he left, so I guess that would have been December 6th, I decided to leave my moms and go back home and face my closet that would be empty of his things. The whole way home I prayed for the strength to face that. I remember telling myself "focus on what you're gaining, not what you're losing," over and over as I walked inside. I faced it. I stood there, stared at it and cried. My body felt like I had lost everything but my mind was focused on what I was gaining. I wish I could go back in time to that girl and tell her all the things she'd gain over the months to come that she couldn't even imagine.

I actually gained security. I didn't realize how insecure I had become.

I actually gained my dreams. I realized my dreams were never going to come true with him. They may look different now but I get a second chance for them to come true.

I actually gained comfort.

And most importantly I gained Jesus.

I gained the power of being able to see joy in my life even in the darkest of times. I don't always succeed at this but I am getting better and better.

I was stuck in a bad rut of waiting for the "next" thing/season to fully be "happy." Well, did you know there is a difference between happiness and joy?

"Our English word "happiness" comes from the word "happening." You are happy when what you want to happen happens, and when what you want to happen doesn't happen, you are not happy." - J.D. Greear

Joy is an abiding feeling in all circumstances. This is a choice.

My life is not at all perfect. I wish I didn't have to parent alone. I wish my kids didn't have to be like ping-pong balls bouncing back and forth to mommy and daddy's house. I wish I could respect the father of my children. I wish we could get along.

I wish this wasn't my story.

But it is.

So I choose joy.

I gained the power of being able to change the legacy of my family. I fully believe that without this life event, I wouldn't have ever developed the relationship with Jesus to then be an example and teacher for my kids. This helped me become the mom that I wanted to be but probably wasn't going to be with how I was living.

What if what I'm walking through is preparing me to be able to mother them through a major life event they'll go through?

What if this season and faith journey I'm walking on is what guides them to ultimately finding and loving God?

I don't have the eyes to see what God is up to and how he brings purpose to all pain but I remind myself all the time that God has me right where He wants me and when He wants me somewhere different, He will redirect my steps there.

Until then, I'm choosing the joy that is in the here and now.